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Artist's Lounge

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[Mar. 23rd, 2005|06:33 pm]
Artist's Lounge
New to the community, obviously.
My poems are the very definition of amatuer teenage angst. (^^;) So do feel free to criticize them.

Slithering through your vertebrae
Like self-inflicted pain.
Try to wash it off, but it always leaves a stain.
A stain of death;A stain of red;
The stain of spiteful things unsaid.
Like a madness it consumes,
Picking, slicing, at the wounds
That you yourself have planted there
Before you learned life was unfair.
Twisted, shaken, and confused
Betrayed, slain, and abused.
But the worst wound by far of all
Was the knowledge of who made you fall.
Not him, not her, not any one
But you, my friend, you are the one

[User Picture]From: dancechic2188
2005-03-25 07:52 pm (UTC)
welcome. I like the poem, but in some places the meter seemed a bit off. Like in the line "But the worst wound by far of all." According to the rhythm, the emphasis should be on the word "the," which is kind of unnatural in language. Normally "the" isn't a significant enough word to be emphasized. Otherwise the poem is great.
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From: kora_lye
2005-03-26 04:13 am (UTC)
Hey, look at that. You're right. Thanks. ^^; I usually don't edit my poems, because by later points my inspiration has usually dried up. I'll keep your advice in mind, though, next time I write a poem that actually makes sense to some one besides me. oo;
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